Story of My Life

Most people lead extremely dull, meaningless lives. And so as a pastime people choose to watch, study, and live vicariously through famous people, lucky people, pretty people, or people who get to work with wild animals like tigers and giraffes. But everyone should have a life story. Interesting lives shouldn't just be for people who have interesting lives. Here is mine:

1989- born into a cat slum.
1994- cut down the Christmas tree in my best friend's yard and give it to homeless people.
1995- form vicious all-female gang called the "Glitter Kitties" which is broken up after two months. Try to run it from "time out" in the principle's office but after I find God, I choose to disband the gang and take off to study as a nun in Mongolia, where I own a pet goat named Dennis. He dies of Cholera, and I head back to the United States, heartbroken and alone. I forever denounce God for taking Dennis from me.
1997- go to New York to be an actress on Broadway, which leads to a fiery romance with Woody Allen. He claims I will be his next muse, but I leave him when I find that he is cheating on me with his wife and step daughter.
1998- i go to Japan to save my younger brother from the brutal Triad Gang which has inducted him into their ranks.
1999- See my own face on a milk carton in a school cafeteria. Find that my parents aren't my real parents and in fact are kidnappers who took me from a mall when I was a baby. Embark on existential journey to find my real parents. End up addicted to heroin and working at a club in Las Vegas as an "escort".
2002- i kill a man on a lonely highway in Russia, and vow never to tell a soul.
2003- take a jell-o shot off George H. W. Bush's stomach.
2004- live among the Zuni people in Mexico to study them. End up stealing their recipes for medicinal herbs and marketing them in the United States, making a small fortune (almost immediately spending it all on heroin and toothpaste).
2005 - give birth to a child who is born an old man and ages backwards. I think he is icky so I leave him on a doorstep in New Orleans.
later 2005- I join the cast of Gossip Girl for 2 seasons.
2007-I am molested by my 3 year old nephew.
2008- I kill a pregnant mother deer and save its baby with my bare hands. I raise it as my own until it began to resent me, at which point I sell it to a Texas meat market.
2009 (present day)- I win the Kid's Choice Awards for the 4th time!

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