the story of Gnarlamange

            Try as he might, Gnarlamange never enjoys himself at water parks. There are always tons of kids everywhere, who scream when they see him in his bathing suit, as their parents look disapprovingly at his abundant hair, which always dries really weird when he gets out of the water, revealing senseless bald patches and remnants of the many incredible cow-licks he sustained as a youngling. His claws come out when he is scared going down the big slides, and sometimes he accidentally digs them so deep into the plastic slide-siding that he just halts midway down and children, many screaming children, pile up behind him as the water continues to gush beneath them.
          "MOVE!" they scream, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" because the point of slides, I guess, is to move. So Gnarlamange has to calm himself down so he can get his claws to retract, but who can be calm when there are seventeen 10-14 year-olds screaming at you with their freckled, sun-burnt cheeks puffed and wheezing with gargantuan child-anger?! When he finally struggles down a slide and drags himself out of the water, he has terrible traction on the tiles and sometimes slips and falls, and the life guard yells at him in front of everyone.
          Once, even, Gnarlamange was mistaken for a beach towel, and a horrible woman rubbed him all over her body until she was dry. She was jiggling and squawking at her children while she did so. He protested at first, then resigned himself to just wishing, with all his mental capacity, that a cranky swarm of wasps would mistake her swollen head for an enemy hive, and they would dive into her ears, in sharp military lines, straight towards her tiny brain: the doomed, bumbling queen.

Brother News

My older brother Ben is biking up South America at the moment with his best friend, Sam. I've really been enjoying their trip journal and website which can be seen here: http://www.againwiththebiking.org/.
Because Ben has been gone for all the winter holidays and family gatherings, we created a paper mache version of him to fill the weird gappy feeling. While it's nice to have "Ben" around, he makes the dogs nervous and he's too quiet. Since Thanksgiving his health has deteriorated and he sits in a wheelchair now, with his head slumped forward a bit and his stuffing showing. Sometimes his hands fall off.
"He's so despondent" says Nick.

Marcel, Plagued by Birds

        Marcel had grown used to the birds. In fact, they'd become integrated into his act. He'd keep bits of popcorn up his sleeves to tease them with, and he could count on them for endless tricks. They might collide in mid-air, fighting over a kernel, or squawk and twitter excitedly as he danced. They would animate the pecking tap-tap-tap of his shoes with wing-flutters and floating feathers. And all was good, and the laughs were golden, and the few kernels he sparsed out to them were enough.
        But one day, while performing a tap dance, Marcel felt their talons digging more earnestly into his pouffed sleeves, as if he was only made of popcorn underneath, and the squeaks became desperate (he was sure they were saying popCORN!!.. POPcorn!) and their beaks pulled frantically upon his hair as if they believed it could be unraveled, thread by thread, and popcorn would burst out and feed the whole flock of them, forever.
        Marcel kept calm at first and maintained his steps, carefully, as if balancing the birds would stave off their hunger. But soon the tapping became more frantic, finally exploding in chaos, without rhythm - pop-pop-POP-POpPOPpOP! His motions could not be contained! There was no longer order! And as he danced wildly, the birds pulled upon his billowing, expanding robes, and Marcel himself began to doubt whether or not there was anything beneath them but popping corn.

Hallie: hellooo!

Alice: Hello

Hallie: Hey there! remember me?

Alice: vaguely

Hallie:I used to babysit you when you were little.

You probably don't really remember me

I didn't have a beard back then

i'm a bit heavier set now

Goddamn.

You sure have grown up

You used to be such a little brat.

You seem like you're less of a brat now

But i can't be too sure, i've only been talking to you for a few seconds.

You used to take sips of my beers remember?

One time I just gave you a beer.

You didn't really like it….

Say, I'm having trouble finding a job..

You don't by any chance need a babysitter do ya?

Of course I'd have to charge you more than I did when you were 6

you're a lot more to handle now, if you know what i mean!

heh

heh heh

Alice: are you done yet?

Hallie: yeah.

how are you?

Evaluation

Why children are awesome:
when they travel, they think, "I MUST REMEMBER TO BRING A GIANT STUFFED LADYBUG." whereas we bring boring things like money and passports and jackets.
Why some children are not awesome:
roller shoes.

Hypno-Owl, with some News:

I am coming out with my very first Zine soon! It's like a small tiny little big weird book! Get excited!!

GEEEEETTTTT EXXXXCCIIIIITTTTTEDDDDDDDD..................

Potato Pets: Adorable Affection Worth the Hard Work and Upkeep

1. it is fun to scare children.

2. i once ate guinea pig in Ecuador.

3. potatoes are the most fun to draw.

4. so are googly eyes.

5. this article by Sean Adams is great because it combines all of these.

6. ... also in Ecuador I ate chicken foot soup.

look at the happy little puppet! show this to your children!