Sorry I’m late, Mr. Henzengenger.

You see I entered my shower at 7:20 AM, in plenty of time to emerge at 7:35, get dressed, eat breakfast, get in my car, and arrive at work by 8:45 (fifteen minutes early!). However this morning I got in, turned on the water and was soaping up -- when who should I run into but a friend of the family, Dan Schultz! It would’ve been rude to rush away, so I took a few minutes to catch up. “Hey Dan, how’s it going? How’s Susan?... A new back patio, you say? That’s great. You should have us over for a Barbeque in the summer. We’ll do up some steaks” We caught up, and he was off. Said he had to get to work.

This reminded me that I myself had to get to work, so I quickly lathered and rinsed, and was about to just dab on some conditioner when I get a phone call. It’s my mom. “Darling, sweetie – what’s that sound in the background? I can barely hear you!” She is yelling. I say, “That’s the water, mom. I’m taking a shower.” She doesn’t hear – “This isn’t going to take an hour! For god’s sake Jim, can’t a mother call for a quick chat in the morning?” So I chat for a bit and finally get her to hang up. The water is now cold. I rinse out the conditioner and by the time I step out of the shower, it’s 7:55!

I run to my closet and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a closed sign on the door. Oh the irony, don’t you see? Clothes. Closed. Clothes. Closed. HA! The cruel humor of timing and wordplay. I knock earnestly at the door, in my towel, hoping there’s a chance it’d open up just for me. No such luck. So I try next door, at my wife’s closet. It’s open, of course, but full of colorful blouses and dresses. This, sir, is the explanation for this little number I am wearing. Do not discriminate for the hairy body below the clothes, for they are delightfully coordinated. See how this pencil skirt compliments the elegant lines of the floral blouse? So by the time I am done matching the clothes in my wife’s closet, I don them with some difficulty, and head to the kitchen where I notice that it is already 8:22, by which time I would have normally already begun my morning commute!

For the sake of saving time without sacrificing a healthy breakfast (it is the most important meal of the day, after all) I grab an orange on the way out. I start the car, pull out of the driveway, and begin to peel messily with one hand, while steering with the other. I pull the peel away in chunks only to uncover my wife’s Blackberry cell phone just beneath. By this time I’m at the intersection at Grant street, but I know my wife will be needing her phone. I flip a U-turn and head back to return it to her. She is ever grateful. I am such a thoughtful husband, saving her phone from the grips of fruit for the umteenth time. I kiss her goodbye and jump back in the car.

It’s already 8:46 by now, and as you know, the commute gets heavy in the late morning. I push steady towards work, and here I am. Late for work for the first time in 3 years under your employment. At 9:14 AM.

It was just one of those mornings, Mr. Henzengenger, just one of those mornings.

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