Hallie Facts (by Nick Bateman)

• In high school, everyone called her "Big Black Ned."
• Would only listen to N.W.A. for 2 years (ages 13-14).
• Hallie sleeps for 16 hours a day on average!
• Hallie can ingest her own weight in reeds and grass every day.
• At 11 Hallie completed a 1,400 page epic. She promptly burned its all, saying only "literature is dead, let us be vain and ignorant as the masses."
• As a child, Hallie made up her own language and alphabet system, at only the expense of her math skills.
• Has never left a tip in her life.
• Hallie had a swastika tattoo on her hip for 4 years before having it turned into a ying-yang symbol. 
• Cannot pronounce the word "secular."
• Hallie spends $5000 annually on baby clothes.
• Is a fiscal conservative.
• Hallie dropped out of high school 2 years before earning her G.E.D.
• Hallie makes a point to swallow and "pass" one smallish pebble a month for the purpose of "unified regularity."
• Once O.D.'d by mistaking a flinstones calcium gummy for an oxycontin pill and smoking it.
• Hallie is "shape imperceptive," and as a result can in no way perceive the shape of a square.
• Hallie understands the progression of days and hours but not of months or years.
• Hallie has never been entirely submerged in water.
• Hallie only chews Skoal Long Cut - "none of that pussy shit you can't even get a buzz off."
• Hallie was in the class of children whom president Bush was reading to on the morning of 9/11. She was only there by a stroke of chance as she had been held back for 4 consecutive hers and should have been in the 7th grade.
• Hallie's original diet plan an nutritional theory mostly includes pebbles and DanActive.
• Hallie is paranoid of being poisoned and will never be the first to eat a dish. Always make sure someone else has first.
• Hallie openly seeks a polygamist mormon man to marry.
• Hallie's favorite film is "Never Back Down." She watches it ritualistically every week. 
• Hallie claims that her biggest regret is the disbanding of her roller derby club, "TheTuFGurlz" as a result of sexual abuse allegations against her by several members.
• Hallie produced and starred in a somewhat unpopular but ultimately unsuccessful jackass-style series of videos called "Ms. Bitch." 
• Lost her left foot to diabetes, now has a prosthetic.
• Hallie served jail time for child abuse after drunkenly striking a neighbor boy in an altercation involving the ownership of several pieces of candy.