Hallie Facts (by Nick Bateman)

  • In high school, everyone called her "Big Black Ned."
  • Would only listen to N.W.A. for 2 years (ages 13-14).
  • Hallie sleeps for 16 hours a day on average!
  • Hallie can ingest her own weight in reeds and grass every day.
  • At 11 Hallie completed a 1,400 page epic. She promptly burned its all, saying only "literature is dead, let us be vain and ignorant as the masses."
  • As a child, Hallie made up her own language and alphabet system, at only the expense of her math skills.
  • Has never left a tip in her life.
  • Hallie had a swastika tattoo on her hip for 4 years before having it turned into a ying-yang symbol. 
  • Cannot pronounce the word "secular."
  • Hallie spends $5000 annually on baby clothes.
  • Is a fiscal conservative.
  • Hallie dropped out of high school 2 years before earning her G.E.D.
  • Hallie makes a point to swallow and "pass" one smallish pebble a month for the purpose of "unified regularity."
  • Once O.D.'d by mistaking a flinstones calcium gummy for an oxycontin pill and smoking it.
  • Hallie is "shape imperceptive," and as a result can in no way perceive the shape of a square.
  • Hallie understands the progression of days and hours but not of months or years.
  • Hallie has never been entirely submerged in water.
  • Hallie only chews Skoal Long Cut - "none of that pussy shit you can't even get a buzz off."
  • Hallie was in the class of children whom president Bush was reading to on the morning of 9/11. She was only there by a stroke of chance as she had been held back for 4 consecutive hers and should have been in the 7th grade.
  • Hallie's original diet plan an nutritional theory mostly includes pebbles and DanActive.
  • Hallie is paranoid of being poisoned and will never be the first to eat a dish. Always make sure someone else has first.
  • Hallie openly seeks a polygamist mormon man to marry.
  • Hallie's favorite film is "Never Back Down." She watches it ritualistically every week. 
  • Hallie claims that her biggest regret is the disbanding of her roller derby club, "TheTuFGurlz" as a result of sexual abuse allegations against her by several members.
  • Hallie produced and starred in a somewhat unpopular but ultimately unsuccessful jackass-style series of videos called "Ms. Bitch." 
  • Lost her left foot to diabetes, now has a prosthetic.
  • Hallie served jail time for child abuse after drunkenly striking a neighbor boy in an altercation involving the ownership of several pieces of candy. 

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